So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You are a genius and a whore.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
