i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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