He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
