Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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