moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
