Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
