I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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