he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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