I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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