You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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