He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
