I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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