I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
