she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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