i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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