I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
