Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
he thought i was a dude.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
