I wish I could punch you in the face.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
