Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
