Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
