I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
