I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
