pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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