True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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