My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
