Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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