Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
