Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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