my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Randomize
