i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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