she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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