she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
