I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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