My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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