the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
this hospital has no fireball
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
