It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
