Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
