If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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