The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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