After last night, I could never be a politician.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
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