walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
