i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
