Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
