I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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