you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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