you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Randomize
