I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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