I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
