I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
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