Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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