Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Randomize
